*This article is part of a 6 part series following the last months of my 15 year professional dance career with Aspen Santa Fe Ballet.  To start at the ‘beginning of the end’ so to speak, check out https://interviewenlair.com/6-months-soul/ .

The company recently completed a 3 week tour to New Mexico, Utah, and California.  It was a memorable tour for me, with beautiful theaters, inspiring shows, company camaraderie, and all the elements that make it wonderful to be a member of ASFB.  As the company dispersed to start a 3 week vacation, there was excitement all around.  Sure, I too, was ready for some R&R, but I couldn’t help but feel a small panic in my mind. I was about to enter my final break with the safety that I am returning to the job I have known and loved since 2002.

Upon arriving back to Colorado, happy to be reunited with my husband, our jovial dinner conversation soon turned to ‘the retirement topic’ as it often does (if you think that I am using this column as a sounding board for this transition, you can’t even imagine all the ‘listening’ that Nick endures).  As I explained my most recent revelation in this saga, Nick looked at me calmly and said a very basic sentence to me.

“You will be the same Samantha.”

It seems simple.

But for me, with the same panic of not returning to my job, there is the panic that I will not be returning to my identity.  Any dancer can understand that no matter how conscious you are of being a well-rounded artist and human, a dancer resonates with ‘being a dancer’; it isn’t what we do, it is a part of who we are.  Since I was a child I’ve been introduced as “Sam the dancer”, “oh she dances”… “Samantha is a ballerina.” What will happen now?  “Meet Samantha… she doesn’t have a label anymore.”

There is the saying “once a dancer, always a dancer”, and people have expressed that many times to me as form of comfort in this process. I don’t really agree with it.  I’ve had time to share myself with audiences, creating art and relishing in the magical moments.  If I’m not in the studio creating everyday, working on my craft, and performing, then I no longer deserve the title.  There is so much talent coming up in this world everyday.  It is their turn to drive this art form forward.

As ‘negative’ as that opinion can sound, I finally feel good about it. This is because I am learning to find comfort in the fact that no one can take away my career.  I already did it.

If I can accept that “Samantha the dancer” is a label and not my character traits, then I will be ok. The same ingredients that it has taken to create my last 15 years, will still be in me.  Nick, my voice of logic, generously reminded me, “If you are hardworking, dedicated, motivated, ambitious today…and have been for 33 years…why would that change the day your final curtain goes down?”

Moving forward, I’ve decided that for me, I need to realize how my strengths as a dancer can roll over into a new phase of life, with new goals and identities.   Who I am is not going away.  In a few short months I may not be a dancer, but I still am me.  When asked “what do you do?” non-chalantly in a social setting, I will have pride in saying, “I am a former dancer”.  I know that in the majority of interactions it won’t be given much thought, and things may quickly move onto other pleasantries.  Still, it will be big step to finding comfort in the fact my identity isn’t going anywhere, I am just shedding the next layer of skin and evolving.

Thank you for listening readers, and for helping me be present in my process.